The internal monologue of my wedding day

Last October, I married my BFF for life. As I’ve mentioned before, I never thought getting married was a real possibility (see past references to eating Taco Bell in my car, making homemade turmeric face masks at 3am, and my devastatingly unsexy sleeping attire), so this was a huge moment for me. It was like winning a Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes and getting a hug from pre-meltdown Britney Spears at the same time.

Our wedding day exceeded all of my Pinterest and Style Me Pretty-derived expectations. It was incredible – magical, perfect, unreal, and [insert other cliche adjective here]. I couldn’t have asked for anything more. Then again, we weren’t that hard to please. My husband (!) and I only had two real requirements for the day: 1) That moderate-to-overtly sexual (think Ginuwine) 90s rap and R&B music would play continuously and 2) that I could mention Jennifer Lopez and Joe Buck in my vows without judgement. OK, so there were actually more requirements, but both of those things happened and and we were pretty thrilled as a result.

The thing about getting married is that you have to ride out a million different emotions in a short, 24 hour period. It’s the equivalent of locking yourself in a windowless room and watching Titanic 5 times in a row. Everyone you love has traveled really far to be with you, your father who you have never seen cry is crying, your mother is too overwhelmed to speak, your friends are twerking aggressively, and your corset is restricting adequate airflow to important parts of your body. You essentially transition from being a happy-go-lucky fat kid frolicking in a meadow while chomping on Gushers to a full-fledged adult in a single day. Plus, everyone is staring at you.

It’s overwhelming, in a good way.

Every bride who has gone before me has told me the same thing – that the day passes by quickly, and that I need to stop and embrace every moment. And they were right – it flew by before I could even begin to process what was going on (wait – there was a wedding)? Friends have asked me what was going through my head that day, and it has taken all of my residual brain power to remember – so here goes nothing. I present to you: The voices in my head on my wedding day:

Friday, October 18, 2013: The traditional Korean wedding ceremony known as a paebaek.

Weeeee, look at me! I’m so traditional and fancy! Wait – are these shoes for elves? No one told me I had to wear shoes for elves!

OMG. Is that my husband? He looks like a handsome, strapping prince from those imperial Korean dramas, minus the ponytail. Or Se7en. Or Rain.  Our future kids are definitely going to think their dad was a Korean popstar. Also, I’m weirdly into those purple pants.

Hold the phone – the number of chestnuts my in-laws throw into this scarf indicates the number of kids we’ll have?! Who gave them so many chestnuts? Why are they smiling evilly? I’m scared.

That awkward moment when you and your future husband have to simultaneously bite into a date to find out who wears the pants in the relationship. I will destroy him.

Really glad my fiance is strong enough to carry me on his back. The groom is supposed to carry his bride to show his strength on his wedding day. Side note: why am I addicted to cheese? Why do I eat meals composed of only taquitos? OK, I’m definitely starting that juice cleanse after the wedding.

I’m starting to get used to this outfit. Can I wear this everyday?

Saturday, October 19, 2013: GAME TIME

12am: Must finish vows. Currently Googling some variation of “how to write wedding vows”

3am: Still awake. I sure hope my makeup guy is a magician, because these under eye bags are going to be out of control.

9:45am: Today’s the day! Could not be more excited to marry the love of my life today. WHY DO I FEEL CRAZY?!

1pm: Panic time. HOW THE HELL DO I GET THIS DRESS ON? WHAT DO I DO WHEN I HAVE TO PEE?! Will someone have to pee with me? I have pee-phobia.

3:30pm: He looks so handsome in that suit. He’s crying! I feel like crying but this makeup was expensive. I will hug him instead.

5:15pm: Deep breath. Time to walk down the aisle. I hope they can’t tell that I’m wearing dunks. Oh crap, are they laughing because I’m wearing dunks? Dad, don’t forget to smile. We’re at a wedding.

5:35pm: Holy crap. His vows just blew my mind. Did I marry a poet? How come no one told me he was a poet? I love him so much. I can’t believe we’re going to spend our lives together. May cry now.

5:37pm: OH NO. My vows are so ridiculous. What was I thinking? He counted how many days it’s been since we’ve been together, and I just said “Gangnam Style.” I think I’m going to urinate in my Spanx.

5:40pm: Ooh. Rings. Shiny!

5:45pm: I’m a PARK! My name is Genevieve Park. Gen Park. Genny Park? Ew, no. That’s terrible. Genparkster@gmail.com. Yikes. I will never say that again. Genevieve Wong Park – whoa. Dear God, please don’t let me trip while walking back down the aisle. That would be embarrassing.

There was so much more during the reception, but I’ll spare you the details of my internal monologue because it was just a lot of me laughing, crying, reciting song lyrics, and generally being in awe of my new husband and the love of my family and friends. Lots of loud, unintelligible noises were being tossed around in my brain (and being yelled from my mouth), and I loved every second of it. The night somehow ended up like this:

Just kidding, it actually turned into a quasi-rave and was more like this:

#jonaweave2013