This may come as a surprise, but I’m kind of a boring dreamer. Some people have flying dreams, or time traveling dreams, or “Surprise: I’m Jack Bauer and I only have 7 seconds to save the world from a Jim Carey-lookalike psychopath” dreams, but my dreams are usually more along the lines of “Today I ate a footlong burrito. WHOA.”
So imagine my surprise when I had a full blown zombie apocalypse dream, guest starring my least favorite boy band members from the 2000s. Unfair, right? From what I remember, the dream went something like this [insert fog machine here]:
The year was 2270.
The zombie apocalypse was in full force, and everything had been obliterated at the hands of the walking dead. There was no North West, no Royal Baby, and – gasp! – no Jay Z and Justin Timberlake collaboration. The world was bleak, and looked a lot like that post-earthquake scene in the Land Before Time after Littlefoot’s mom died.
It was horrifying, and I was scared.
But in this tragedy, a band of heroes emerged. To my shock/horror/confusion, the boy band rejects of YM Magazines past suddenly appeared on white platform stages that magically rose from the ground – smack dab in the middle of the apocalypse. In my dream, I somehow knew that my hero would be from a boy band – I just didn’t know who it would be. Would it be Justin? (Please, dear God yes.) It wasn’t. Nick Carter? (Not the same, but acceptable.) Through the dust and wind, I could barely make out a silhouette (um, can it at LEAST be Brian Littrell?).
I screamed. Justin Timberlake and Nick Carter were long gone, killed in a particularly vicious zombie fight. Here’s who stepped up to the plate instead:
Although once mocked for having cornrows that eerily resembled a very large pineapple, Chris Kirkpatrick thrived in the post apocalyptic era. Those very cornrows had morphed into super glue strength spider legs, giving him the ability to scale walls due to their unworldly stickiness. His high pitched voice, which had been embarrassingly underutilized in songs like “I Drive Myself Crazy” became a ferocious weapon of mass destruction. A mere whimper from Chris was enough to torment the zombie community so much that they ended up sucking out each other’s souls and self destructing.
In other words, Chris Kirkpatrick was a futuristic Buffy the Vampire Slayer of sorts.
Not to be confused with Justin Jeffre (aka the husky male in 98 Degrees, aka probably the reason 98 Degrees didn’t dance much), Howie D leaned into his strengths and took advantage of the same skill set that allowed him to be virtually invisible onstage for most of his career. His unwavering stealthiness led thousands of humans to safety. Unfazed by his victory, Howie D was just relieved that he no longer had to take rapey photos with trees [see above].
Ah, Kevin. The man who could sing but two notes. During the apocalypse, Kevin’s standard concert uniform of black pants and a knee length trench coat served him well. He stayed warm, the trench coat held all of his weapons and food supplies, and he looked like one scary ass motherf*cker. An added plus was that the zombies found something about his long dark hair, goatee, and monotone voice absolutely terrifying. Still pretty peeved about not getting a longer solo in “I Want It That Way”, Kevin was able to channel his fury towards stabbing millions of zombies in the jugular and then erecting an indestructible fort composed of Backstreet Boys posters.
This is going to be hard to believe, but in my dream Joey Fatone was jacked out of his mind. He could barely even fit into his favorite sweater vest because his neck muscles were so thick. You could hurl a roll of quarters at his 24 pack abs and a crisp $10 bill would magically appear on your forehead. It doesn’t make sense, but that’s how jacked he was. His biceps were 15x the size that AJ’s ever were, and he evoked so much fear that the government wanted to harness his power as a nuclear weapon alternative. Good news for Joey: he just killed them all.
After escaping from the government, Joey rounded up a clan of people-friendly zombies and reigned supreme as their emperor for the rest of eternity. He also started a fitness bootcamp, similar to Hip Hop Abs, right in the thick of the apocalypse. It was pretty inappropriate.
Every Member of O-Town
In a Westside Story-like fashion, the members of O-Town approached the members of S Club 7, and immediately started bickering about who had the better Today Show performance back in the year 2000. Mid-fight, a swarm of baby zombies flew down from the sky and devoured every last one of them, JNCOs, halter tops, and all.
Side note: These guys obviously didn’t become heroes. I’m not sure how they made the cut for my dream.
And then I woke up, mystified by the heartfelt tale of B-list boy band members transformed into zombie fighting bad-asses. And I really wanted a burrito.