The slow, steady, descent into humiliation

For the record, I love corporate holiday parties. There are only a few days out of the year when you can wear a sparkly dress while not in Vegas, eat appetizers until you’re sick, and then drink yourself into a sloppy obliteration for free 99. There’s also the incredibly exciting challenge of trying to engage in awkward small talk with the tech elite, ie. Dick Costolo, Mark Zuckerberg, MC Hammer (?), and Sheryl Sandberg. Please refer to this link for a complete recap on how my 2010 Facebook holiday party encounter went with Uncle Zuck himself.

This year’s holiday party started out as expected. I accomplished all of the below early on in the night, and was very proud of myself:

  • Consuming 2 dungeness crab sliders, 8 pieces of dim sum, a box of chow mein, 1.5 empanadas, and a bowl of butternut squash soup. I may or may not have eaten 3-5 pieces of kobe beef on a stick in addition to that.
  • Drinking 3 gin and tonics.
  • Getting a head nod and a “hello!” from @DickC while reaching for nachos. Classy me.
  • Dancing the entire 2nd half of the night wearing an astronaut helmet from the photo booth (because I am a badass.) See photo:

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In general, I was feeling pretty good about myself when the party started winding down around 11:45. I had even made it up on stage next to MC Hammer! Success. And then –

Just as I was feeling smug for remembering to wear my Toms instead of my patent leather stilettos, things went extremely wrong. At last call, I bolted down the stairs to get off the stage. To preface this, I was not drunk at all (See above food list. The food vs. alcohol ratio made intoxication impossible at this point). I took a step onto what I thought was the first stair, but actually stepped on the middle divide of the staircase, which is by my definition a ramp-like death structure. I stepped on the ramp, lost my balance, and slowly slid down about 6 steps, scraping my poor forearm along the way. Look, I have battle scars to prove it:

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Did I get attacked my a cat? I wish.

The tumble was embarrassing for a few less than obvious reasons. 1) I fell really slowly. It felt like a full 5 minutes from the time I stepped on the ramp to when my ass hit the bottom step. This means you could have counted to 300, and I still would have been falling. In a dress. 2) I was still wearing my astronaut helmet, so it was pretty obvious to everyone around me that Houston had a problem. There was no way to blame the fall on another Asian girl wearing a dress and helmet. 3) My freaking forearm was bleeding, and the red didn’t match my outfit.

I was very embarrassed.

Somehow, I mustered up the strength to stand, pretend like I had not just fallen 6 steps, and nonchalantly grab my coat. I was still wearing the astronaut helmet.

Happy Holidays/Kwanzaa/Hanukkah/Festivus/Merry Christmas to all, klutzes and coordinated people alike.

#celebrate2012

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