How to tell if someone is a dbag from his email signature, and more

If you really think about the concept of email, it’s crazy. You type these words onto a screen, they disappear into the AIR, and then someone on the other end of the air gets THE SAME WORDS  in a matter of seconds. I’m pretty sure David Copperfield tried to do that in one of his last Vegas shows, but failed miserably despite those sweet leather pants he was wearing. Email truly is, amazing.

I’ve spent the last 5 years in corporate America, which means that I’ve seen approximately 976 billion emails. People email for everything – and with good reason. They call it ‘keeping a paper trail.’ If email was a superhero, his slogan would probably be ‘Email: Saving Asses Since 1998.’

All this emailing has forced me think about how people sign their emails. From a single signature, I’m confident that you can infer a great deal about the signer – like whether or not he or she is secretly illiterate, has a cat fetish, or will bald prematurely. Here are a few of the most commonly used office signatures, dissected:

– Best: People who sign ‘Best’ have been beat into submission by the large corporations that they work at, and are trying to sound invested in the professional cause of the email thread while staying personally aloof. They secretly hate their jobs and have grandiose plans to quickly strangle their most annoying coworker after an all-hands meeting, but revert to suffering alone in their cubicles in a sort of robotic, quiet desperation. These people also tend to own multiple cats.

– All the best:  Not to be confused with ‘Best’ signers, individuals who sign ‘All the best’ are pretty dope people. They take the time to type ‘All the best’ – which is SIX more letters than just ‘Best.’ These people go full throttle in everything they do. They are genuinely nice, which sometimes weirds people out, because no one is really genuinely nice anymore. This special niche tends to work in life changing, meaningful jobs like non-profits that save crippled animals in Zimbabwe or fight human trafficking. They almost always have a degree from a prestigious liberal arts school and own at least a few pairs of ironic hipster glasses that do not have functioning lenses.

– Cheers: These people are effing terrifying. They are usually not British, but use ‘Cheers!’ as a strategic way to feign unnatural hyper-enthusiasm for their work. These are the schemers, the brownnosers who take credit for that sweet, animated, power point presentation you stayed up all night to build. They offer their bosses 3rd row tickets to the Giants game, *but accidentally* shove you in the elevator and then use a backhanded compliment to insult you like ‘Wow, that awesome tie makes you look less fat.’ They usually have excellent teeth.

Thanks: This group is gracious. If they belonged to a Hogwarts house, they would be Hufflepuffs. Often times, they sign ‘Thanks’ even when they’ve just done you a huge favor. The ‘Cheers’ group loves working with the Thankers, but sometimes pushes them around just because they can. But it’s OK – the Thankers are naturally zen, and thanks to a great deal of outdoor hiking and ownership of multiple Timbuktu bags and Toms shoes, are unfazed by the occasional office bullying.

Nothing: These people may just be forgetful, or are douchebags. If douchebags, they are extremely attractive with amazing bone structure that is envied by anyone who passes them on the street. They are aware that most people would roofie and take advantage of them given the chance. Sadly, instead of milking their good looks, they are distastefully aloof. They spend most of their day scoffing to themselves and asking the question, ‘Why do I work with these ugly people?’

~ <insert name>: The group that prefaces their name with a tilde are the same group that oNcE tYpEd LiKe ThIs in their teens. They value aesthetics over practicality (it’s not easy to tyPe liKe tHis), but are unaware that the tilde isn’t very pretty. When they were younger, the tilde group also used popular R&B songs like INOJ’s Love You Down as their voicemail greeting. They also carried mini backpacks and wore Nautica jackets. You know who these people are, and you may have had a crush on them if you attended a San Francisco middle school.

Which one are you?

*PS: Please keep in mind that these are snarky, unwarranted, and possibly inaccurate generalizations that I’ve observed in my short career. To be candid, I am a frequent user of ‘Best’ (and I cry myself to sleep every night because of it).

**PPS: I don’t hate my job.

Comments are closed.