Unattractive sleepers

In life, there are two types of people: attractive sleepers and unattractive sleepers.

I definitely fall into the latter category. No endearing printed onesies with feet for me (I wear those in the daytime. Just kidding.). My nightly routine, at least in the winter, looks something like this:

1. Put on toe socks.

2. Put on sweatshirt one.

3. Put on sweatshirt two.

4. Put on sweatshirt three.

(Yes, that’s three sweatshirts.)

5. Contemplate putting on a second pair of sweatpants.

7. Put on retainer.

8. Put in earplugs.

9. Put on eye mask.

10. Apply preventative acne medication.

11. Sleep.

It’s really very sexy. Of course, there are steps like ‘put on underwear’, ‘bathe’, ‘rub medicated Vicks Vapor Rub all over body when sick’ that may or may not be included in the aforementioned steps. That’s really not the point. The point is that my body only feels fully rested when it’s dressed like a marshmallow wearing a giant red XXL Lowell High School football team sweatshirt.

I find it hilarious that while I go through life paying no attention to detail, flagrantly violating as many rules as I can, that I induce my subconscious with a series of innumerable rules and mental checklists. I am a victim of OCD slumber.

But, it doesn’t matter. Here’s a picture of a gremlin: