Before Facebook, there was Friendster. Before Friendster, there was Xanga. Before Xanga, there were AIM status messages. Before AIM status messages, there were binoculars.
Sometime during my freshman year in college, I realized that I was predisposed to what people call ‘creepy, stalker tendencies.’ These came naturally to me. At a huge, sprawling university filled will all sorts of intriguing people, how could they not?
My eyes were opened to the ways of being extremely curious about perfect strangers the first time I walked into Rieber dining hall. The very exclusive UCLA soccer team walked around the salad bar in packs, with their long light blue socks and matching Adidas backpacks. How come they got all this shit for free? That’s another story.
There were two members of the team that stood out to me immediately – both strapping, cocky, and very attractive. Like most stalkers who like to feel connected to their prey, the roommates and I gave these two names based on the color of their hair: Blondie and Blackie.
Thanks to the UCLA directory, we learned quite a bit about our new soccer friends.
Anonymous roommate: ‘So Blondie is in Astro 3 with Laurie.’
Me: ‘What discussion group?’
Anonymous roommate: ‘1A – Thursdays at 4.’
Me: ‘Ok…let me just sign in as Laurie to our class website. Got his AIM screenname. And…it looks like he’s from the LA area. Malibu, actually – he has the same mascot from my friend’s high school, and she’s from Malibu.’
Anonymous roommate: ‘Does he have a girlfriend?’
After about 5 minutes of online research, we learned that Blondie was a freshman who lived in the Saxon Suites but ate at Rieber hall. He had a girlfriend at home but was showing a willingness to better acquaint himself with the UCLA female population. He was from Malibu and planning on rushing 3 frats.
You’re thinking that this is very, very, sad. It was. But it was also very exciting for our 18 year old minds. New people [especially hot enigmatic college soccer players] are scintillating. There’s a certain thrill that comes from knowing everything about someone and having them know zero about you. It really is only slightly disturbing.
Update: We did keep tabs on Blondie and Blackie until our 4th year in college. Blondie went on to be the baby daddy of some girl on the women’s soccer team. They had a shotgun wedding. But, according to Facebook, their parents are filthy rich. Blondie and wifey were free to continue their lush ways until graduation.
I understand that this post may be hard to believe. Or, this post may not really convey the full nature of my creepy stalker tendencies. Above, note the screenshot of my untouched-since-college AIM profile that shows the group ‘People I do not know but actively stalk.’ Sorry if you are Marc098 – I don’t remember who you are. Oops.